Thursday, September 2, 2010

How to succeed in business, by Tesco


"Hi, I run Tesco. Fuck you all."


Follow these handy tips in order to succeed in business, courtesy of Britain's favourite supermarket, Tescunt.

1) Set up a property development company.

2) Development company buys a struggling/failing town centre shopping parade/mall.

3) Ensure zero investment in shopping centre.

4) Ensure no leases are renewed for current tenants.

5) Evict current tenants for minor infringements on lease agreements.

6) Watch as shopping area rots away and blights the community it serves.

7) 'Purchase' the centre from the 'property development' company. (For the same amount as the development company paid). Announce plans for re-generation of the area with a new store.

8) Smile as you know the council is desperate for a knight in shining armour and all plans are passed with no problems.

9) Smile even more as local people and media praise Tesco.

10) When your cunning plan is discovered, ensure that you really don't give a flying fuck what people think.


Tesco, Every Little Helps.

15 comments:

Bucko said...

Also:
Demand minimum alcohol pricing so you can put the price of your booze up without your customers going elsewhere.

Obnoxio The Clown said...

All entirely supported by useless planning regulations. :o)

RantinRab said...

Nothing to do with the planning regulations as far as I can see, it's about money.

microdave said...

I've suggested him for a Cunting, at you know where...

Hunkofjunk said...

Tesco - "Doing more damage to our communities than the Luftwaffe"

Rightwinggit said...

At least the Luftwaffe fucked off after they'd done the damage..

Rab, don't you work for a supermarket, or am I thinking of another blogger?

Tesco takeover said...

They bought an old car dealership near me and put in plans to develop into a large Tescos.
The council were slow in allowing the plans to go ahead so they allowed the place to fall into disrepair. Never repaired broken windows and crumbling walls etc. Got some letters into the paper about the 'eyesore' etc and how they would revamp the area with their new shop.
The new shop eventually got built. The local petrol station, the local greengrocers, butchers and fishmongers all closed after a year of trying to compete. Now they're the daddy and charge what they want.
Probably the same story is happening all over the UK.
They're dearer than Asda or morrisons so most folk who have cars drive to the next town.
The poor just suffer.

Dioclese said...

I admit to split feelings on this one. I agree that this is real underhand stuff and should be condemned, but on the other hand I own shares in Tesco and the dividends are quite good...

...but then again I don't shop there as I use Waitrose - so I suppose that makes a filthy rich capitalist pig. Perhaps I should go and work for Tesco?

RantinRab said...

Yes, I work for a supermarket company but Tesco got where it is today by using dirty tricks and tactics.

If you shop in Tesco you are a cunt.

RantinRab said...

Dioclese, I would recommend the book Tescopoly. It was a real eye opener when I read it.

Rightwinggit said...

"If you shop in Tesco you are a cunt. "

Rab, some people don't have a choice...they ain't daft choosing their locations.

If it matters, we have Waitrose deliveries twice a week..price match to Tescos, no fuel or time spent manoeuvring a trolley 'round screaming kids and their lowlife bloaty parents...bliss!

RantinRab said...

By choice then!

microdave said...

If Leahy gets his way NONE of us will have a choice. Ultimate domination seems to be his intention.

Don't give me any crap about letting "free markets" decide - expecting several companies to co-exist peacefully just isn't in the Psyche of people like him. They always want more, and the best way is to slowly destroy the opposition.

Screech said...

i used to work for those bastards, and early on in my sentence i become wise to their cuntishness

Mark Wadsworth said...

Well spotted. We all knew this went on, but it's nice to have a good simple example. I have cut and pasted the whole article onto my 'blog just in case you delete yours.