Saturday, January 16, 2010

Terror threat level to rise world-wide.


The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

21 comments:

microdave said...

Excellent one Rab, I'm sending that on to some friends....

RantinRab said...

Would you be shocked to know that I stole it?

ukwebspiderdotcom said...

Hi Rab,

I like your site and have linked to you on mine
http://ukwebspider.blogspot.com/
Regards
Spider

Barking Spider said...

Nice one, Rab, funny as fuck. ;-)

microdave said...

"Would you be shocked to know that I stole it?"

Of course not!

Joe Public said...

"Terror threat level to rise world-wide."

Caused by AGW, perchance?

Argent said...

That's funniest thing I've read in a good long time! Cheers!

Don't Call Me Dave said...

Of course you stole it. You're a Scot!

Orphal said...

Super. That's a keeper.

banned said...

Brilliant, who cares if you stole it.

Sir Henry Morgan said...

Ace. Blatantly half inched and posted here:

http://wiganpatriot.blogspot.com/

I linked you.

Amusing Bunni said...

Rab, that was brilliant! "Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case."

I would add on all of their CITIZENS, too!

scunnert said...

Great post.

Picasso was once asked if he ever borrowed ideas from other artists. He replied disdainfully: Only amateurs borrow - professionals steal.

MTG said...

Thieving Scots have porridge and sharing ones have ECT.

RantinRab said...

Glad it brought a smile to your faces folks.

Mark Wadsworth said...

RR, nice one. What level were we at when the IRA went round bombing things - "irritated" or "a bit cross"?

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you back Rab
From an English Person.

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Nice one, Rab!

Corrugated Soundbite said...

You should have just removed the nationalities Rab, and had us fill in the blanks!

Top stuff :-)

Boy Named Sous said...

The American one was only half right. That's what we do during Republican administraitons. When a Democrat is in office, the course of action is to apologize for being American and thensend a special envoy to convince them to be nice to us.

Dark Lochnagar said...

Nice one Rab. Where did you get it? There might be other stuff worth knocking.