New Tory poster....

Make your own version, here.

Police box ticking exercise is launched.

On the left, a 'promotion fast-tracked' police superintendent. On the right, a proper police officer.

In the news today, Strathclyde Polis have announced a new initiative in their 'fight' against organised crime.

Deep within the bowels of the Pitt Street HQ in Glasgow a promotion chasing careerist announced to the world that Wanted posters will be the big new thing in crime fighting. Takes you back to the wild west and the old black and white cowboy movies.

But......

In a bizarre twist of the concept the posters will not feature people who are at large and a threat to civilisation. They will feature those already caught and banged up in the big hoose. What's the bloody point of that then?

“We want to show young people that Serious and Organised Crime is not a glamorous career option but a ticket to jail."

Ah, I see. A message to the cheeeldren. (Box ticked). Of course. I'm sure they will listen to you in between murdering hookers and stealing cars on the playstation and watching gangsta rap on MTV. Yep, that'll work.

Right, we need some buzz words and straplines...

'Letting our communities flourish', yep, that sounds good let's have that.

'Divert, Disrupt, Deter, Detect', wow, fantastic. Have a promotion for coming up with that one.

(Box ticked)

Nearly there, can you guess what's missing?

Of course, 'multi agency partnerships'. Cue some diddy from a diddy council.

Mr David Mitchell, Head of Legal, Procurement and Regulatory Services for East Ayrshire Council, who will talk about 'deter' said:

“The implications of the ‘Letting Our Communities Flourish’ Strategy for local authorities and the communities which they serve are important. There are real opportunities to do more about serious organised crime which should flow from the implementation of the strategy, provided local authorities and other public sector bodies are fully prepared to embrace these, particularly within the context of procurement and licensing activity.”

(Box ticked)

Did you understand all that public sector speak? No, me neither.

That concludes the preparation for 'operation box tick and hopefully a promotion'.

Now for the press release.

Idiots.

"Kerry Out" - Another Girl Another Planet

crossposted from WE4 productions

RantinRab - Piss Off Award

The genie in this bottle made me do it, honest Officer...

I am delighted to announce the winner of the first and probably the last RantinRab Piss Off You Twat(s) award, which is presented for telling it how it is.

As part of it's 'official Labour mouthpiece' obligations, the publicly funded and socialist hand wringing BBC in Scotland is tonight broadcasting a documentary entitled 'The Buckfast Code'.

It is, of course, an attack on one particular brand of 'wreck the hoose juice' which is consumed in vast quantities by the 'under-privileged' in Scotland. Obviously it is the fault of the manufacturers and distributors of Buckfast that the poor souls who indulge in their product go on to commit crime and violence within their communities.

Strathclyde Police have told the BBC that Buckie has been mentioned 3000 times in crime reports over the last three years and has been used as a chib (weapon) 114 times. Promotion chasing, shiny arsed trouser wearer, office hours only Superintendent Bob Hamilton says, "I think it is clear from the figures that there is an association there". No shit, Sherlock.

To paint Buckfast as the Bogieman is spectacularly missing the point. The clowns that are behind the documentary seem to think that if Buckie did not exist then the problem would not exist. This is nonsense. The consumers would move on to something else as the problem is a cultural and attitude one, not one of enforced consumption. It's almost as if they are trying to deflect the failure of countless initiatives to re-educate and change behaviour which has been deep rooted in Scotland for generations. Glasgow City Council were taken to court last year for 'advising' shops not to stock it.

There is also concern expressed by the medical world about the level of caffeine in the recipe. Neuroscientist Dr Steven Alexander tells the programme that a bottle of Buckie contains 281 milligrammes of caffeine - as much as eight cans of coke.

Anyway, to the award.

I present the Piss Off You Twat(s) award to the spokesman for Buckfast for the following'

“The ­people who commit crimes are the ones who have to take responsibility. It is completely wrong to blame the knife manufacturer if someone stabs someone. Why just attack Buckfast?”

When asked to consider reducing the caffeine levels in the recipe,

"Why should we? It's been there for over 80 years. Why should we change the recipe just to satisfy somebody's whim?"

And also when it was suggested that the Benedictine monks that manufacture the tonic wine in their Devon monastery are to blame for the effects of Buckie,

"Why should they accept responsibility? They're not up there pouring any of their Buckfast down somebody's throat. People take it by choice because they like it, because it's a good product".

Well said that man. People are responsible for their actions, society needs stops tarring them as victims and hold them to account properly.

Rab note - quotes are taken from online and printed versions of Evening Times and Metro Scotland. The Metro online version does not have the quotes which appear in today's printed version.

Terror threat level to rise world-wide.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

Labour Licensing Loser.

Looks like a nice boy.

Following a spot of bother last year for a member of an SNP family, it seems that a younger member of a Labour family has found himself in a bit of trouble with the police.

Ryan Oldfather, a councillor for North Ayrshire, got pissed then decided to drive home. Unfortunately he hit a traffic island and wrecked the lamp post which was hurled 100 yards down the road.

He walked to his friends house, phoned a taxi and went home. The police were waiting for him. He was that drunk he couldn't give a breath test.

His mother is the MSP for Cunninghame south, Irene Oldfather.

See what happens when politics is treated like a family business?

Now for the ironic stuff....

Ryan Oldfather is a member of North Ayrshire Licensing Board and his mother warned of the dangers of having 'one for the road' during a debate in Parliament. Pity her lad wasn't listening. She also supported the set up of a government website that warns of the dangers of excessive boozing.

To be fair to the councillor, look at one of his role models. It's only to be expected, I suppose.

Back to business!

How I feel. And look, if I'm honest...

As you may, or may not have, noticed this particular wee corner of the blogosphere has been rather quiet for the past couple of months.

Well, life in the RantinRab household is now as normal as it's ever going to be and I intend to resume my own particular style of blogging very soon. Just let me get used to being back on night shift first, I'm zombiefied at the moment.

I have decided to make a few changes, the first of which is the gradual 'phasing out' of the Rab C. Nesbitt name and character in favour of 'RantinRab'. I am currently looking for a new image to use as I am increasingly less comfortable with using Mr Fisher's impressive looks as my identity.

I am also planning a major layout change and may go 'dot com' instead of blogspot.

But, as I am a legendary lazy bastard and procrastinator I might just leave it the way it is...

Anyway, it's good to be back. Sort of.

John Prescott in video 'shame'

Stomach churning filth, should have an X certificate.
And the videos on the right are as bad...
(click to enlarge, as Prescott clearly does...)

Oh dear, John 'Jabba' Prescott seems to have displayed his 'favourite videos' for all to see on YouTube. Tut Tut, you dirty old man!

Thanks to Mr Civil Libertarian for spotting it and Al Jahom for technical assistance.


UPDATE - The video has now been removed. Idiots.

Police State Britain

We're coming for you....