Sunday, October 25, 2009

Major supermarket chain to go bust


'I hereby declare this highly successful business cursed'


Jonah Brown the Prime Mentalist and purveyor of the inverted Midas touch signalled the start of the financial ruin and ultimate collapse of the successful supermarket chain Morrisons.

For some inexplicable reason Jonah was invited to the head office of the chain in Bradford to celebrate the launch of it's 'Fresh Food Academy' training scheme.

A frantic investigation has been underway since the visit to find the person responsible for issuing the invite. A company insider said last night, 'we shat our pants when we heard he was coming. No one has admitted to inviting the hopeless bastard but we think some twat from Tesco or Asda may have pretended to work for us and sent the invite'. He added, 'I've got a mortgage and three kids. What the fuck am I going to do now?'

It is understood that an emergency meeting between the heads of the employment service, the Samaritans and Job Centre Plus was held yesterday in order be ready for the sudden influx of 130,000 people to the job market.

Sir Terry Leahy, boss of Tesco, said this morning, 'Fuck you all, our prices are going up'.

The news has still to be broken to Nick Hancock, Alan Hansen and Richard 'Hamster' Hammond.


12 comments:

INCOMING!!!!!!! said...

Ah shit. The phekker could have been warned off surely, why not just draw the curtains and turn the lights off, that should confuse the clown. Failing that just contuse him and run away, make sure you are wearing a hoody burkha though.

Oh well my favourite store in the whole West Country, Morrison's Bridport, will be no more.

Rab you are a purveyor of doom and gloom, I hope your tumchies are blighted. ;-)

Argent said...

The inverse Midas touch - he's got that all right. Hope he doesn't come anywhere near here.

Anonymous said...

Surely no company hoping to increase it's market share/profits would even consider asking that cunt anywhere near it? He attracts bankruptcy/business failure/personal failure around him like a turd attracts flies. A rather apt comparison there.

Mark Wadsworth said...

Well I hope Wm Morrison's manages to struggle through, for your sake as much as anything.

BTS said...

He must have been hanging around outside my shop because it's fucking deadly today..

The Penguin said...

Every little helps!

The Penguin

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Good afternoon.

Has anybody ever seen Aled Jones and Clare Balding in the same room?


I thought not.

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Killemall,

You've been sniffing evo stick again, haven't you...

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Hi Rab, y'auld fecker!

I've posted some shite. What do you reckon?

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Welcome to my blogroll. It's about bloody time!

killemallletgodsortemout said...

Events, Rab, events.

mandy sucks cocks said...

That's Morrisons fucked.

Maybe someone could send him some tickets to a Jimmy Carr show. That would be Jimmy fucked.