Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How to deal with loons, (1)

Johnstown, PA (GlossyNews) - Local and state police scoured the hills outside rural Johnstown, Pennsylvania, after reports of three animal rights activists missing after attempting to protest the wearing of leather at a large motorcycle gang rally this weekend. Two others, previously reported missing, were discovered by fast food workers "duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters," according to police officials. "Something just went wrong," said a still visibly shaken organizer of the protest. "Something just went horribly, horribly, wrong."

The organizer said a group of concerned animal rights activist groups, "growing tired of throwing fake blood and shouting profanities at older women wearing leather or fur coats," decided to protest the annual motorcycle club event "in a hope to show them our outrage at their wanton use of leather in their clothing and motor bike seats." "In fact," said the organizer, "motorcycle gangs are one of the biggest abusers of wearing leather, and we decided it was high time that we let them know that we disagree with them using it... ergo, they should stop."

According to witnesses, protesters arrived at the event in a vintage 1960's era Volkswagen van and began to pelt the gang members with balloons filled with red colored water, simulating blood, and shouting "you're murderers" to passers by. This, evidently, is when the brouhaha began.

"They peed on me!!!" charged one activist. "They grabbed me, said I looked like I was French, started calling me 'La Trene', and duct taped me to a tree so they could pee on me all day!"

"I... I was trying to show my outrage at a man with a heavy leather jacket, and he... he didn't even care. I called him a murderer, and all he said was, 'You can't prove that.' Next thing I know he forced me to ride on the back of his motorcycle all day, and would not let me off, because his girl friend was out of town and I was almost a woman."

Still others claimed they were forced to eat hamburgers and hot dogs under duress. Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads."

Police officials declined comments on any leads or arrests due to the ongoing nature of the investigation, however, organizers for the motorcycle club rally expressed "surprise" at the allegations.

"That's preposterous," said one high-ranking member of the biker organizing committee. "We were having a party, and these people showed up and were very rude to us. They threw things at us, called us names, and tried to ruin the entire event. So, what did we do? We invited them to the party! What could be more friendly than that? You know, just because we are all members of motorcycle clubs does not mean we do not care about inclusiveness. Personally, I think it shows a lack of character for them to be saying such nasty things about us after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."

When confronted with the allegations of force-feeding the activists meat, using them as ad hoc latrines, leaving them incapacitated in fast food restaurant dumpsters, and 'farting on their heads,' the organizer declined to comment in detail. "That's just our secret handshake," assured the organizer.

copied from here


TheBigYin said...

I'm laughing my effing cock off here...bloody great post.

Now I know what to do when anyone starts waiving their hands around while I have a fag outside a pub in the pissing rain and cold!

microdave said...

Farking excellent!!

"and I was almost a woman." - That sounds about right for a "peace" activist!

"Those who resisted were allegedly held down while several bikers "farted on their heads." - The bikers evidently watch "Family Guy"...

Bucko said...

Fookin classic. Pissing myself laughing reading that one.

Conan the Librarian™ said...

Ah. Happy days.

AngryDave said...


killemallletgodsortemout said...

Top post, Rab.

Barking Spider said...

Brilliant - sounds like my kind of party - I mean, who wouldn't do that to a bunch of animal rights morons - hilarious!

(This is, unfortunately, just a spoof, isn't it?)

banned said...

Love the bikers pisstake in using the word "inclusiveness".

Don't wish to be picky
"Two others were discovered duct taped inside several fast food restaurant dumpsters"
Can two people be in "several" dumpsters without being, OMG!, in bits?

Captain Haddock said...

It all sounds eminently reasonable to me ...

If the animal rights twats can't take a joke, they shouldn't have joined ..

Now, where did I leave that 22lb sack of Brussels sprouts ??

I'll be Burgered said...

"...after we bent over backwards to make them feel welcome."


Chalcedon said...

Now those boys get my seal of approval. Force feeding them meat and the rest. Priceless.

Anonymous said...

Fucking brilliant.