Rat looking for a new home?

'If I can save the world, I can save this bloody ship'

So, the ship SS Labour Titanic has ploughed full speed into several icebergs and it is only a matter of time before the hole ridden wreck slips beneath the waves to a watery grave.

The officers and crew are busy re-arranging deck chairs on the deck, shouting 'don't panic' to the unfortunate passengers. 'Captain Brown is the man to save us. I know he was at the wheel when we hit the icebergs but that doesn't matter now, he saved the world and he can save us!'

If you listen carefully, you can just about hear the band playing. Knowing they are doomed, they try to raise the spirits of the stricken ship. Above the screams of the passengers and the death groans of the ship, the NuLabour anthem 'Things can only get better' wails through the air.

Refusing to issue the order to abandon ship, the Captain stubbornly carries on. Seemingly unaware of the impending fate of his ship he remains at the controls. His officers and crew getting more anxious by the minute. 'I wonder when he will give the order' is on everyones mind.

But what's that?

A few hundred yards away, one of the precious lifeboats seems to be adrift. Putting his telescope to his eye, (there is no point in Captain Brown owning a pair of binoculars), the good Captain trains his beady eye on the lifeboat bobbing up and down on the cold icy sea.

'What a bastard', he shouts. 'What a treacherous, self serving rat'.

The officers surrounding him raise their own telescopes and peer at the fast disappearing boat.

There is Mandelson, rowing for all he is worth. Deserting the ship he has sailed on for many years. He knows it is a goner.

He seems to know where he is rowing to. Approaching from the horizon, there is another ship.

The SS Conservative....

'I can serve my country with you' he wails at the fast approaching ship. 'Please let me aboard'.

And the strange thing is, they just might.

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