Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Spotted on a joke website....

THIS IS LABOUR GOVERNMENT

REST OF THE WORLD VERSION:

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE END

------------------------------------------------------------------------

LABOUR GOVERNMENT THE UK VERSION

The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed.

A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.

The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty.

The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi-cultural choir singing 'We shall overcome'.

Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his 'fair share' and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London .

In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re-distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper.

Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs.

The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to return them to their own country were abandoned, because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards.

A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshoppers' drug 'illness'.

The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK .

The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him.. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery.

A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for
grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The government praises the asylum-seeking cats for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity, and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats.

The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a government minister.

The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom .

The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses. Their taxes are increased to pay for law and order, and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds.

THE END

Spotted at Sickipedia.

5 comments:

Edgar said...

Alas, that is almost too true to be funny.

The consequences aren't necessarily good when you go mucking about with the theory of Natural Selection.

Opus #6 said...

I love a good Fable! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

NELSON at TRAFALGAR
Nelson: 'Order the signal, Hardy.'
Hardy: 'Aye, aye sir.'
Nelson: 'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir?'
Nelson (reading aloud): '''England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion, age or disability" - What gobbledegook is this?'
Hardy: 'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an Equal
Opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting
'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'
Nelson: 'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
Hardy: 'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments.'
Nelson: 'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
main-brace to steel the men before battle.'
Hardy: 'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking.'
Nelson: 'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
....... full speed ahead.'
Hardy: 'I think you'll find that there's a 4-knot speed limit in this
stretch of water.'
Nelson: 'Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please.'
Hardy: 'That won't be possible, sir.'
Nelson: 'What?'
Hardy: 'Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir - no
harness. And they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
Nelson: 'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'
Hardy: 'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck,
Admiral.'
Nelson: 'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'
Hardy: 'Health and Safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently-abled.'
Nelson: 'Differently-abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral
by playing the disability card.'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
Nelson: 'Whatever next? Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand
by to engage the enemy.'
Hardy: 'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.
They're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill
anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching
everyone like hawks.'
Nelson: 'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
Hardy: 'Actually, sir, we're not.'
Nelson: 'We're not?'
Hardy: 'No, sir.. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
Nelson: 'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil?'
Hardy: 'I wouldn't let the ship's Diversity Co-Ordinator hear you
saying that, sir. You'll be up on a disciplinary report.'
Nelson: 'You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King.'
Hardy: 'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest - it's the rules. It could save your
life.'
Nelson: 'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?'
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on
corporal punishment.'
Nelson: 'What about sodomy?'
Hardy: 'I believe that is now legal, sir.'
Nelson: 'In that case..... kiss me, Hardy.'

Tradesmen Building Supplies said...

Too funny too true too sad

Building Materials Supplies said...

This has been a great read