SCOTLAND
DRAFT HIGHER GRADE MODERN MATHEMATICS PAPER 2009
HIGHLY  CONFIDENTIAL
GLASGOW REGION
Name…………………………………….
Nickname……………………………….. 
Gangname………………………………
1. Shuggie has bought half a kilo of  cocaine for large. He wants to make 300% on the deal and still pay Mad  Malky his 10% protection money. How much must he charge for a gram?
2.  Wee Davie reckons he’ll get £42.50 extra Marriage Allowance a week if  he ties the knot with Fat Alice. Even if he steals the ring, the wedding  will cost him £587. And he’ll have to start buying two fish suppers  every night instead of one. How long will it be before Davie wishes he’d  stayed single?
3. When Rangers play Celtic, their fans sing The  Sash every 10 minutes when they’re winning and every 15 minutes when  they’re losing. How many times did they sing it at last season’s Cup  Final?
4. Joey and Davie stole a 1999 green Toyota 1600GL with  35,000 on the clock – and got a grand for it. How much more would they  have got if it had been metallic silver, done 29,000 miles and had low  profile tyres?
5. Jake the Flake and Fingers got grassed up for  dealing speed. The Flake got 18 months but Fingers got 3 years. How many  more previous convictions did Fingers have?
EXTRA CREDIT: Who was  Fingers’ Brief?
EDINBURGH / BORDERS REGION
Name…………………………………… 
Rugby Club…………………………….
Daddy’s Company…………………….
1.  Gavin has a spare ticket for Julian Clary at The Festival Fringe. But  Benji and Adrian BOTH want to go with him. How long does he cry before  giving them the tickets?
2. Half of Peter’s friends say that  they went to school with Ewan McGregor. Another third say they were  Gordon Brown’s flat mate at University. A sixth say that their dad  played rugby with Tony Blair’s dad and the rest say Sean Connery was  their milkman. Only one is telling the truth, so how many friends does  Peter have?
3. Todd wants to be a lawyer, but is as thick as  Edinburgh Castle. His daddy is a Freemason and a QC. How long before  Todd becomes the Lord Advocate?
4. Tamsin’s Personal Trainer  charges £250 a week, but has sex with her whenever she wants it.  Jasmin’s Life Coach charges £50 a week but has refused all sexual  advances. Which one of the women weighs 19 stone?
5. Princes  Street is 2467 yards long. On average, there is someone begging for  money every 195 yards. You walk at 3.1 miles an hour. How long will it  take if you tell them all to sod off and work for a living?
HIGHLANDS  REGION
Name…………………………….
Glen………………………………
1. After  Hector’s death, Archie has to pay Death Duty on Glenbogle. With 25,000  acres, Archie must pay £1.76 for the first 15,000 acres and 90p per acre  for the remainder, including VAT. How many people actually give a toss? 
2. An Afro-American called Zachary Obisanjo Kokobobo asks a  Tartan Shop in Inverness if he has any Scottish geneaology. How long  does it take to flog him full Highland dress and matching kilts for his  wife and 10 kids?
3. If an Aberdeen supporter laid every sheep  in Grampian Region end to end, how many people would be surprised?
4.  If you caught a Loch Ness Monster 115 feet long and each foot weighed  27lbs, how much money would you make by selling your exclusive story and  pictures?
5. Sorry, question 5 has been delayed by heavy  snowfall and will be here as soon as the Cockbridge – Tomintoul road  re-opens in the spring!
hat tip to DZ, (commenter at Old Holborn's place)