Monday, April 20, 2009

Budget leak - EXCLUSIVE

It has emerged this morning that Alistair Darling has been keeping an ace up his sleeve ready for Wednesday's budget announcement.

In order to balance the country's books and maintain public spending levels at the current rate, he has applied for a doorstep loan from Provident Personal Credit, or a 'Provi loan' as it is known in Glasgow.

If succesfull, the sight of Agnes the local collection agent whose 'territory' includes Downing Street will be a familiar figure to millions as she is pictured knocking on the door of number 11 each Friday evening between 7.30 and 8.00pm. A spokesman for the city said last night, 'We will be keeping a keen eye on number 11 each week. The first time that he pretends he is not in when Agnes chaps the door will be a signal to the country that we are really fucked and I will be moving what's left of my capital to Switzerland'.

Although still to be confirmed, the terms for the loan equate to £50 a week over 265,965 years.

A spokesman for the treasury refused to confirm or deny the rumour last night, but did say, 'if we get the knockback we will need to see Big Steve the loan shark down the pub'.


Old Bag said...

can i tag along when big steve goes and kneecaps Ali D?

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

I'll be selling tickets, but you can have a discount!

Faux Cu said...

You are a script writer for Rab C., ya bass, and I claim my presentation set o a bottle o Buckie and wan of Lanny!

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Ha! I wish! Sadly i'm just a frustrated, umm, well i dunno but I know i'm frustrated!