Monday, July 20, 2009

The rules of manhood.

The Shortened International Rules of Manhood:

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) Megan Fox decides to venture into pornography.
(b) After wrecking your boss's car.
(c) When your date is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mates fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your mates birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boys choice.

7: On a pub crawl, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

9: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

10: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

11: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

12: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

13: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

14: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

15: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

16: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

17: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

18: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

19: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.

20: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.

21: The proper definition of GUTS and BALLS.
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

I hope this clears up any confusion.


Lawson Narse said...

That must be a fake! Real men don't make lists.

Costello said...

nice. and touche Lawson Narse.

Catosays said...

Right about the lists but Number 9 is spot on....Dutch ovens...I just love the smell of napalm in the morning....or something.

microdave said...

2(a) Only if I discovered said pornography was of the soft variety....

Gigits said...

No. 17 - I can't say much in 3 seconds, now can I!

captainff said...

Do the full rules explain the correct answer to the question "Does my bum look big in this"?

Barking Spider said...

Number 18 is good advice, Rab.

Anonymous said...

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.

Careful Rab, if anti-freedom of speech & democracy blogger Danielle Hoffman-Gill reads this he'll claim your a right-wing bigot who condones violence and canibalism!

Dark Lochnagar said...

No 3 and that includes PHONE cameras.