How to make a fortune playing the property game.

It's a piece of piss, this property lark. All you need is a small amount of cash and a lot of patience.

Right, here is the Rab step by step guide to making a fortune, all courtesy of the tax payer!

1) Purchase an old building in a town centre, or buy a failing business that is located in an old building. Make sure the building has some sort of 'historical interest'. Even better if a quango already has it listed.

2) Vacate building/close down business. Leave building derelict. Wait a few years minimum or two or three decades maximum. Resist all pressure from councils and community groups to tart up building by saying that the quango who has it listed as a building of 'historical interest' prevents you from investing in your property. Your hands are tied etc etc...

3) Watch as other property owners in the area do the same as you, with the result that the entire area turns into a ghost-town.

4) Patience, nearly there....

5) Rub hands as yet another quango is formed. Quango gets a shit load of cash from the tax payer to splash around.

6) Quango buys your building at way over the market price. You ride off into the sunset counting your cash.

7) The quango spends our cash doing up the old buildings to, umm, stand empty as they cannot get tenants to move into the properties.

8) Celebrate as one tenant has moved into a building. Oh wait, it's a 'social enterprise' company, (double speak for parasitical company leeching off tax payers cash).

9) Notice that the Chairperson driving all this is also in charge of the London Olympics Legacy Company which is responsible for ensuring the olympic's budget isn't spunked up the wall...

10) Wish best of luck to the Olympics. They'll need it.