Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Viz Top Tips, an occasional series.

LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.


SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.


TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

9 comments:

The Last Of The Few said...

Give your children frozen sprouts instead of boiled sweets.
Its better for there teeth and a valuable source of vitamins.

Fausty said...

Nice pork tip. Bonus: it'll piss off the muslims.

excellent tip said...

Put five dead woodlice into an empty box of matches. Glue the box to a lollypop stick.


Hey presto an inexpensive childs rattle.

Barking Spider said...

These things are still as funny as ever.

Joe Public said...

"An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator."

Todays Torygraph response........

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/france/6049302/Tourists-warned-as-Asian-hornets-terrorise-French.html

Shibby said...

That gave me a laugh

Why am I up at 3?

bloke with nadgers said...

If you can't afford an inflatable sex doll, a woman provides a cheap alternative.

bloke with nadgers said...

Feed a frog some amphetamine sulphate, then stick it in a rubber glove for a cheap handjob.

Don't Call Me Dave said...

Never buy beer again. When you have finished your bottle of Bud, piss into the empty bottle and refrigerate. Drink when chilled and repeat process ad infinitum.