Monday, May 18, 2009

Honourable Members declare poverty

Aah! Expenses.

The Department of Social Security has set up an emergency 'phone line following the announcement by Gorbals Mick earlier today in the House of Commons that Honourable Members must not submit any expense claims for the time being.

Straight after the announcement, MPs could be seen rushing from the chamber in a panic. They besieged the Westminster DSS office begging for a crisis loan to see them through 'till pay day.

"How the fuck am I supposed to pay the boy that cleans the pool" wailed one Conservative MP. A Labour member shouted "Look, I'm fully entitled to that nice big 50 inch LCD telly. It's within the bloody rules so give me my money you bastard".

Police were called to restore order after terrified staff pressed the panic button. "I've dealt with lowlife junky scum for years", explained a supervisor, "but that lot are a bunch of animals".

Five DSS staff have been sent home suffering from work related stress.

An official from the DSS went on to say, "They would have easily received a crisis loan from us, but they could not decide what address was their main home, and to prevent fraud we must have proof of address".

News that the Salvation Army are setting up a soup kitchen has still to be confirmed.

Our thoughts are with the Honourable Members at this difficult time.


microdave said...

"Our thoughts are with the Honourable Members at this difficult time."

Yours might be, but mine certainly are not...

Rab C. Nesbitt said...

Perhaps my sarcasm is too subtle! :-)

Joe Public said...

The Samaritans have a pre-recorded message for all calls from the Westminster dialing code.

It's "Jump you bastard".

Screech said...

and i'll bet the Sally Army are now accepting streaming funds from the guv.

The Penguin said...

Very good!

The Penguin.

Anonymous said...